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Archive for the ‘Just for fun’ Category

Rest easy, Americans. Your government is hard at work protecting you — from the fart.

According to the Washington Post, the Social Security Administration recently officially sanctioned a worker for allegedly creating a “hostile work environment” by passing gas in the office. The letter of reprimand cited 60 documented times over 12 weeks that the employee passed gas in his office.

According to the supervisor, the employee passed gas as many as nine times a day. There must have been a permanent bluish cloud in his office.

The employee said he suffers from “uncontrollable flatulence.” No joke.

Rather than punish the employee, the Social Security Administration ought to sell his story to cable for a new reality show — “Fartorama”. They could make enough money to save social security for all of us who will most likely never see a dime of payment because our government is broke.

At least get the guy some Beano, a useful product that prevents gas.  I don’t know what this person is eating, but whatever it is, send a list of his meals to foodie networks so we can all avoid them. 

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After careful and diligent scholarly examination, I think I have figured out once and for all the difference in my Baby Boomer generation and the young guns who follow us.  Here is the result of this highly academic contemplation:

When I was growing up, we called those most sensitive parts of the male anatomy the “family jewels”.

Younger generations now refer to the same as “junk”.

Enough said.

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As if the presidential campaign season is not silly enough, now we have to endure Valentine’s Day. What’s a guy to do?

Never fear, for More With Les is here to help. Following is my guide to a successful Valentine’s Day. Let’s begin with appropriate presents:

Flours. That is not a typo. I meant to write “flours”. You see, “flowers” are so overrated. They die all too soon. And for guys, it is very difficult to pick flowers that you know your woman will like. “Gee, Honey, I got you that pretty variegated symposium, and you didn’t even comment. Then you put it in the storage shed out back. Didn’t you like my choice, which was given with all my love?” Better to give her five-pound bags of flour. Now that has love written all over it. And if you wish to be literal, take a Sharpie and write “I luv you” all over the sack. That is an added special touch that shows you are a hopeless romantic, and women love that.  As a Valentine’s Day gift, sacks of flour are practical and helpful. It is a thoughtful gift, one that keeps on giving. Once you give your love some flour, then you can ask sweetly, “Honey, will you make me some biscuits with that new flour?” She will be so thrilled with your practicality and loving spirit that she will make you some big-a$$ biscuits that you can cover with a gallon of gravy.

Candy. Very dangerous gift. In the first place, candy is so common. Any dipstick can just grab a box of candy while waiting in line most anywhere. A box of candy is not creative at all. “Sweets for the sweet” and all that.  What you are really saying is, “Sweets for the person who is really watching her weight, and oh, frap, I messed up again!” However, there is one exception to the candy rule that never fails to say love, love, love — as previously touted right here in More With Les — dark chocolate M&M’s. As I have reported, they are orgasmic. Trust me on this. Give her a big sack of dark chocolate M&M’s, and she will cheerfully vacuum out your truck. One added benefit is that you can recycle all those old vases from the poor-choice flowers you gave her on previous Valentine’s Days. Just take one of those vases, wash it out, and fill it with dark chocolate M&M’s. Not only will it be well-received as a severe expression of your undying love, it will also demonstrate that you are ecologically progressive. Plus, it will look really good under the disco ball lighting in your basement rec room.

Tools. Yes, nothing says, “I luv you” like the proper tool. A woman simply cannot have enough of the right kind of tools. I once gave my wife an engraved putty knife. In addition to being extraordinarily sweet and thoughtful, it was highly useful, too. Just the thing for that do-it-yourselfer. What woman would not be proud to use a cross-cut saw engraved with a proper sentiment? With so much maintenance necessary to keep your house and yard in good shape, hammers, saws, yard implements, battery-powered hand tools like drills, etc., are just the thing for that romantic remembrance on Valentine’s day. She will be envied by all the neighborhood women.

Caution! Be careful of giving your love things like those hideous hoodie-footie outfits. If she really likes it and wears it often, then you will have to endure the image of a 237-pound woman running around the house in what amounts to a pink Polartec kids’ pajama ensemble. Not a pretty image. Unless it is neon orange hunting color or camouflage. That would be cool.

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Astrologers have announced a new set of zodiac sign dates, not that we knew we needed them.

The big news is that each previous symbol’s covered dates moved by a month. That is because, astrologers say, the moon’s gravitational pull wobbled the Earth’s rotation on its axis recently.

So now, after all this lifetime as a Sagittarius, I am now, God help me, a Ophiuchus, whatever the hell that is. Sag was an archer, and I could relate to that.

But a Ophiuchus? Its dates are November 29 to December 17. Since my birthday is December 16, I got bumped under the new sign.

Instead of a classic archer, the Ophiuchus is the sign of the serpent holder. Like Indiana Jones, I hate snakes.

Here are some other traits associated with Ophiuchus:

  • Many people are envious of the Ophiuchus as he/she progresses well throughout life
  • A seeker of wisdom and knowledge
  • A flamboyant dressing sense, favouring bright colours.
  • Authority looks upon him/her well
  • Would make a great architect or builder
  • Number 12 is the lucky number.
  • Will have a big family but will leave home at an early age

Yeah, right. Sagittarius traits fit me much better. I am not sure I am cut out to be a Ophiuchan.

The change also lends a whole new dimension to the old pick up line, “Hey, Baby, what’s your sign?”

“I’m a Ophiuchan.”

Then buy your own damn drinks.

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Now that he has earned more winter Olympic medals (7) than any other American, it is time for speedskater Apolo Anton Ohno to think about his next steps career-wise. I have a suggestion.

At age 27, he’s done about all he can with short-track speed skating. But there is more to his talents than going in circles really fast on ice. Remember, he won Dancing With the Stars

On the Likert Scale of cool, Apolo is about a 15.

So what’s left? There is one answer that is incredibly obvious to the question of what Apolo should do next — Olympic figure skating.

Think about it: he can already skate. And he proved he can dance on DWTS. He’s in great physical shape to compete on the ice in figure skating, and he looks great in costumes as we saw in his DTWS performances.  It is a no-brainer.

And if he could persuade his DWTS partner Julianne Hough, now an award-winning country singer, to leave her singing career for four years, they could be ready for a gold medal shot at the next winter Olympics.

I can promise you this: if he were to team up Julianne for Olympic figure skating, the team would have a fan base larger than anyone could imagine. I’ll bet they would win the gold, too.

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…you get a Signals gift catalog in the mail, and when you read a stupid T-shirt slogan, you crack up. I’ve been particularly busy for a while now, but laughing at T-shirt slogans is a troublesome sign.

What did it say?

Non sequiturs are like bicycles. They don’t bath.

See what I mean?

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Welcome to my new look. I’ve been writing in my old theme since I created More With Les, and I decided it was about time to freshen the look.

It is amazing how hard the decision was to change themes. I guess we all become creatures of habit. I certainly do. The old theme was, well, it was More With Les for so long. Time to shake things up a bit.

I hope you like the new look. I find it refreshing. Nice to see a photo for a change, a soothing photo of a pleasant scene. Calms the nerves in these troubled times.

Thank you for your support of MWL. It means everything to me.

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