Are you feeling like yourself again, or someone else?

In so many ads today, someone says that, after taking some drug, he or she feels like him or herself again.

What a revelation! “I took kalipentamyzine, and I feel like myself again!”

Who would you expect to feel like? What if I said, “I took kalipentamyzine, and I feel like Ashton Kutcher again!”

I don’ t think so. If Ashton Kutcher takes kalipentamyzine, is he going to feel like Les Potter again? If so, that’s one freaky drug.

The statement presupposes that “feeling like yourself again” is a good thing. If you need the drug, then obviously, something is wrong.

Accordingly, the way the statement is worded, if you take it, and it works, then you go back to feeling crappy again. Duh!

To be accurate, you would need to say, “I took kalipentamyzine, and I feel like myself felt before I started feeling crappy which resulted in my taking kalipentamyzine in the first place!”

But that is far too wordy for good advertising.

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What is the sound of birds chirping?

Twitter.

For some strange reason, I looked up the word “twitter” in Webster’s New College Dictionary, and look what I found — “twitter”, as a verb, means:

 1. To utter a succession of light chirping or tremulous (vibrating) sounds.

2. To titter.

3. Tremble with nervous agitation or excitement.

As a noun:

1. The light chirping sounds made by certain birds.

2. Light tremulous speech or laughter.

3. Agitation or excitement.

Who knew?

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Word stir-fry, Christmas edition

I am convinced that the word “absolutely” has its own publicist. It’s everywhere all the time.

For example, take this Christmas selling season. Have you noticed how many things  are not advertised as merely “free”, but “absolutely free”?

The word “free” means costing nothing. Adding “absolutely” to it does not make it any more free of cost.

I can understand a promise of “buy one, get one free.” But would it entice me even more to hear, “buy one, get one absolutely free”?

I think not.

Blogs are great for providing a forum for people like me to prattle on about things like this. And guess what?

Blogs are FREE.

No, I am not going to say it.

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Word stir-fry, part two

“Oh my god…I was like…then she was like…then I was like….”

“Then she goes…and I go…then she goes, but then he goes…..”

“Oh…my…goddddddd! I’m like…and she’s like….”

“Then he goes, like….., and then I go…”

“Can you BE LEAVE this????!!!!!”

“Like…then she goes…and I’m like….”

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Word stir-fry, part one

So, if you suffer from Philodendronomatopoeia, then take Nebulous.

But Nebulous isn’t for everyone. Do not take Nebulous if you are pregnant or are nursing, or may become pregnant, or may have impregnated someone, or have impregnated someone, or if you have bladder problems, dandruff, liver disease, eye, ear, nose or throat disease, glaucoma, open sores, closed sores, cold sores, hot sores, flat feet, athlete’s feet, crow’s feet, heartburn, heart ache, heart break, acky breaky heart, chest pain, back pain, front pain, side pain, leg cramps, stomach cramps, stomach ulcers, trouble swallowing, kidney problems, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, no blood pressure, and work pressure. You should not take Nebulous if you are thin, fat, tall, or short, or if you drink alcohol, milk, or water.

Possible side effects may include upper belly pain, lower belly pain, hot flashes, leg cramps, swelling of the feet, legs, and ankles, shortness of breath, dizziness, irritability, nausea, weight loss, decreased appetite, dry mouth, potty mouth, trouble sleeping, projectile vomiting, loss of bladder control, constipation, diarrhea, pain in extremities, upset stomach, hallucinations, fever, disorientation, unexplained confusion, low blood count, severe bone, joint, and/or muscle pain, ear lobe bleeding, heart attack, stroke, poor blood circulation throughout your body, coughing up blood, bad breath, loss of sexual function, memory loss (a good thing considering the loss of sexual function), severe rashes, uncontrollable desire to eat pistachio ice cream, body odor, fainting, inability to solve polynomials, trouble concentrating, Restless Legs Syndrome, heat prostration, salary compression, blurred vision, increased sweating, inability to turn in class assignments on time, and allergic reactions to air, water, and food.

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X is the new Y…enough already!

I just learned that women are the new men. Since the professions of PR, advertising, and marketing are dominated by women, I guess this puts women back into minority status. And after they had come so far…

Here is some more of this silliness:

Pink is the new red.

Quiet is the new loud.

Tequila is the new wine.

Geek is the new beautiful.

Fifty is the new forty.

Sixty is the new fifty.

Bad is the new good.

Blogs are the new trade press.

Leopard is the new Vista.

Customer service is the new marketing.

Internet is the new radio.

Google is the new Microsoft.

Facebook is the new Google.

The dollar is the new peso.

Funny is the new sexy.

Sometimes is just does not pay to get out of bed. Okay, I have to say it: Sleep is the new reality.

With thanks to This Is The New That. 

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It’s official; w00t is in

Do whut? Not whut, w00t.

W00t, a curious combination of letters and numbers, is the official new entry into the Merriam-Webster dictionary for 2007. The term is used by online gamers as an exclamation of happiness or triumph. To sports fans, it also stands for “we own the other team”. You hear it as “w00t, w00t, w00t” at games.

The dictionary folks say they chose w00t because it combines new technology with whimsy…w00 knew?

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Absolutely

I have had it. If I ask one more question and get “absolutely” for an answer, I’m going postal.

When I get this mindless response, I have to re-ask, “do you mean absolutely yes, or absolutely no?” 

Please, simply say yes or no. Just think of all the syllables you will save.

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He went missing, only to turn up dead. Who Knew?

Since I teach two sections of public relations writing, I am always thinking about the use of the language. Some usage makes me crazy, especially when used by the media.

Like the word “brandish”. The word means to “wave threateningly, as in a weapon.” News people frequently say things like, “An assailant brandished a weapon in the Quickie Mart today.” But we never hear anyone use the word in day-to-day discourse.

“I saw something awesome today! Lance entered the coffee shop and brandished a Starbucks card threatening to buy ever-so-svelte Muffy a most fattening mocha frappuccino with whipped cream. It was like so frightening.”

Or this phrase: “He/she went missing”, or worse, “had gone missing”. News people say this all the time. I’ve know people who have been missing for a time, like when Nordstrom has a shoe sale. I know people who are missing for days then, or at least as long as the sale lasts.

“Hey, where’s what’s-her-name? I have not seen her lately,” I might say.

“She went missing,” comes the reply. No, she is missing. She went to the shoe sale at Nordstrom.

 Another one: “He/she turned up dead”. Yes, the media uses this one frequently, too. “So-and-so turned up dead, after he went missing two months ago.” Hey, guys like shoes, too. Why didn’t they check Nordstrom? 

“Turned up dead”. That is such a curious way to describe the end of a life.

One more: “Who knew?” You hear this used frequently, usually after a question that the speaker of the phrase could not answer. I think it is a rhetorical question.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

I think this phrase has its origins in our ancient history. When I hear it, I immediately have an image of cave dwellers gathered around a big fire in a large cave somewhere in prehistoric times. The clan leader, in an effort to provide security, must have asked, “Who new?”

In the back somewhere a stranger must have replied, “Me new. Me Og.”

If Og did not socialize well into the clan, he may have gone missing, only later to turn up dead. To record it all, one of our communication-prone ancestors probably drew a picture of it on the wall, and another reported it to the clan.

“In other cave news, Og, a newcomer, who went missing recently after a cave meeting, turned up dead in the bone pile today. Witnesses say a stone axe-brandishing assailant was observed running from the scene. Now, back to you, Uluk.”

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