As if the presidential campaign season is not silly enough, now we have to endure Valentine’s Day. What’s a guy to do?
Never fear, for More With Les is here to help. Following is my guide to a successful Valentine’s Day. Let’s begin with appropriate presents:
Flours. That is not a typo. I meant to write “flours”. You see, “flowers” are so overrated. They die all too soon. And for guys, it is very difficult to pick flowers that you know your woman will like. “Gee, Honey, I got you that pretty variegated symposium, and you didn’t even comment. Then you put it in the storage shed out back. Didn’t you like my choice, which was given with all my love?” Better to give her five-pound bags of flour. Now that has love written all over it. And if you wish to be literal, take a Sharpie and write “I luv you” all over the sack. That is an added special touch that shows you are a hopeless romantic, and women love that. As a Valentine’s Day gift, sacks of flour are practical and helpful. It is a thoughtful gift, one that keeps on giving. Once you give your love some flour, then you can ask sweetly, “Honey, will you make me some biscuits with that new flour?” She will be so thrilled with your practicality and loving spirit that she will make you some big-a$$ biscuits that you can cover with a gallon of gravy.
Candy. Very dangerous gift. In the first place, candy is so common. Any dipstick can just grab a box of candy while waiting in line most anywhere. A box of candy is not creative at all. “Sweets for the sweet” and all that. What you are really saying is, “Sweets for the person who is really watching her weight, and oh, frap, I messed up again!” However, there is one exception to the candy rule that never fails to say love, love, love — as previously touted right here in More With Les — dark chocolate M&M’s. As I have reported, they are orgasmic. Trust me on this. Give her a big sack of dark chocolate M&M’s, and she will cheerfully vacuum out your truck. One added benefit is that you can recycle all those old vases from the poor-choice flowers you gave her on previous Valentine’s Days. Just take one of those vases, wash it out, and fill it with dark chocolate M&M’s. Not only will it be well-received as a severe expression of your undying love, it will also demonstrate that you are ecologically progressive. Plus, it will look really good under the disco ball lighting in your basement rec room.
Tools. Yes, nothing says, “I luv you” like the proper tool. A woman simply cannot have enough of the right kind of tools. I once gave my wife an engraved putty knife. In addition to being extraordinarily sweet and thoughtful, it was highly useful, too. Just the thing for that do-it-yourselfer. What woman would not be proud to use a cross-cut saw engraved with a proper sentiment? With so much maintenance necessary to keep your house and yard in good shape, hammers, saws, yard implements, battery-powered hand tools like drills, etc., are just the thing for that romantic remembrance on Valentine’s day. She will be envied by all the neighborhood women.
Caution! Be careful of giving your love things like those hideous hoodie-footie outfits. If she really likes it and wears it often, then you will have to endure the image of a 237-pound woman running around the house in what amounts to a pink Polartec kids’ pajama ensemble. Not a pretty image. Unless it is neon orange hunting color or camouflage. That would be cool.